I’m proud to report The Muses’ recent venture, 1-(900)-HLP-D-CRZY, is fairing amazingly well. And since you, my trusted reader, kept the secret so well last time, I want to give you a sneak peek into our next brain child: FEAR-B-GONE.

Below is our rough text for the promotional flyer.


Do you or does someone you love suffer from…
Blank Page Freezes?
Critique Induced Vomiting?

For thousands of years1, writers have suffered from these ailments in silence.
Until NOW!

The YA Muses introduces FEAR-B-GONE! The revolutionary fix-all for the daily fears experienced by storytellers, novice and professional alike. This amazing supplement comes in liquid or gel caps and is guaranteed2 to change a writer’s life in three distinct phases:
2Guarantee voided if FEAR-B-GONE ingested by a human.
In the First Stage, FEAR-B-GONE forces the writer to realize he’s not alone in his terrors. A new scientific study3 shows 99% of writers suffer from near identical worries. Grasping this, the writer will go forth and connect with other FEAR-B-GONErs to create a network of sharing and encouragement. With the support in place, the writer enters…
3No actual scientific study performed.
…the Second Stage where FEAR-B-GONE allows the writer to turn introspective and start to pick apart his doubts. Inevitably, he’ll discover his uncertainties are never to vanish. They will remain even after getting an agent, first book deal, bestseller, or a Newbery.4 Now, knowing the fear is natural enables the writer to view it as something to deal with, rather than avoid. The fear is irrational, but like an annoying relative, it’s not going away. Once they see this fact, the writer can begin to understand them and even utilize them, which brings us to...
4But, how does that help the writer? Seems so morbid. Glad you asked. Continue reading the text for your answer. 
…the Third Stage of FEAR-B-GONE, which is using the fear. Harness fear? Whhaaaaat? By accepting these emotions’ assured place in writing, FEAR-B-GONE allows the writer to funnel the nervous energy produced by fear into productive outlets such as:
·      Making sure every phase, every comma, and every footnote is perfect.
·      Putting words to the page, even if they suck.
·      Shoving the fears into the fiction and making the characters handle them.
·      Learning your craft with books, classes, and practice, practice, practice.
·      Growing thicker skin (and better hearing) for critique.
·      And much, much more.

Hurry because quantities are limited. If you order in the next 30 minutes, we’ll give you a special loyal reader rate of $179.99 for the first month’s supply5.6.
5$299.99 for subsequent months. Six month commitment to receive the special rate.
6Shipping, handling, and taxes not included.

Think it’ll work? I do.
Want to know why?
Come closer and I’ll let you in on the little secret.

There’s only water in the bottle!
All those suckers will be paying for something they can understand free: Fear is an integral part of the writing process and we have to learn how to embrace it. Find a group that supports each other in the scary, hard times. Look inward and figure out how to best utilize the nervous, fearful energy…from developing your craft to being better at receiving critique.

Oh, wait.

I shouldn’t be telling you all this.

Maybe you’ll still send us the $179.99?
Turns out, we need the cash…that stupid 900 number is draining us dry!


....does it work only for writers?!!!!!

Nice post! Creative.

I love the footnotes!

Next, do you think you can manufacture some Distraction-B-Gone? I have a hyperactive 3-year-old hanging on my chair right now.

That sounds so great. If I could pay you via figment-of-my-imagination, then I'd like to place an order.

Also, it would be nice if you could work on INSTANT-FAME. You can really make a killing by selling it in tiny doses to induce MS requests from agents. Or one single large dose for Mr. Evil's price of fa-fillion ga-jillion dollars that guarantees instant publishing fame that rivals JK Rowling.

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