NVR-SLUMP®

Jeez, I don’t know what all the other Muses are whining about this week. Writing paralysis that makes you bake cookies? Only getting two sentences on the page in a day? Not me. Nope. When I sit down to do the ole’ clickity-clack, the waters are flat’n’glassy.

*Smiles*Teeth twinkle*

I’ll let you in on my little secret and The Muses’ most recent endeavor: NVR-SLUMP®. The all new, all herbal, 100% guaranteed cure to the writing woes. 

Every morning, I pop a NVR-SLUMP® with my O.J. and a spoonful of FEAR-B-GONE and I get pleasant harbor for a full 24 hours.

You see, NVR-SLUMP® protects from:

• Those bruised clouds of doubt lingering on the horizon.
• The puke-inducing freefalls of neuroses such as “Am I ever going to finish?” and/or “Am I really good enough?”
• That frequent cringing caused by navigating the rocky seas of (yet another) revision and/or the squalls associated with first drafts.

Sounds perfect, huh? It is.

Though, in full disclosure, below is the list of NVR-SLUMP® side effects (stupid precedent set by those stupid E.D. ads on the stupid TV). Please ignore this and just skip ahead. Seriously, these warnings are not important at all.

• Removing paralyzing fear may result in boring stories, flat plots, and ho-hum characters.
• Without a steady stream of doubts, you may experience isolation from other writers who no longer have any connection to your placidity.
• NVR-SLUMP® may leave you with a feeling of lack of accomplishment.
• Studies have shown that NVR-SLUMP® also eliminates any highs experienced in writing. 
• Do not take NVR-SLUMP® if you wish to continue to enjoy writing. Do not take NVR-SLUMP® if you are proud to be a writer. Do not take NVR-SLUMP® if you love the moments when you finish that draft – or nail that line – or that character really starts to pop – because this wonder drug will take away all of it in a pretty gel cap.
• Make sure to consult your critique group before taking NVR-SLUMP®.

Interested? I thought so. Unfortunately, NVR-SLUMP® hasn’t received “FDA Approval” as of yet, so you’ll have to duck over to Tijuana or Cuba or Canada to get your hands on the stuff. But, believe me, it’s TOTALLY worth it.

Bottoms up.