From the Archives: 1 (900) HLP-D-CRZY

Katherine Longshore Reply Friday, April 11, 2014

Our Bret is still on paternity leave, so I'm filling in with a post from the archives.  And since we're talking about "fandom" this week, I thought I'd share this one, as it's one of the many reasons I am such a big fan of Bret...

Below is a secret transcript that I’m sharing with you, my trusted YA Muse reader. It’s a new venture The Muses are embarking upon to help the non-writer understand *exactly* what to say in dealing with crazy writers. I think it’s MINT. So please, keep this on the shush – I don’t want anyone swiping all my millions because I let you in on it.

Thank you for calling 1 (900) HLP-D-CRZY, your one stop shop for all the pep talks, ego strokes, and general support needed to deal with the neurotic writer in your life. We’re here to provide you with stock answers that’ll whip your devastated, stressed, or overall unpleasant author back into shape. Plus, you’ll earn some brownie points at the same time.
Please listen to the following options carefully, because you will be charged a low, flat rate of $6.99 for every selection.
  • Press 1 for “Honey, your writing is NOT drivel/awful/poop. People out there DESERVE to read this and someday they will LOVE it as much as I do.”
  • Press 2 for “First drafts suck. They always suck. No one likes them, but everyone gets through them and you WILL do this.”
  • Press 2* for “Second drafts suck. They always suck. No one likes them, but everyone gets through them and you WILL do this.”
  • Press 3 for “Stay calm. It doesn’t matter that Madonna’s/Sarah Palin’s/the Pope’s picture book is the same topic as yours, it’s totally in a different market segment and concept. Chin up.”
  • Press 4 for “Dear, this is a subjective business. Not everyone is going to like everything you write. Focus on the good things people say. I’m sure Harry Potter got rejected/bad reviews at first too.”
  • Press 5 for “If writing were easy, everyone would be doing it. I admire you so much. Writing a book is just something I’d never be able to do.”
  • Press 6 for “Take a deep breath/bath/walk/etc. and the words will start to flow again, I just know it. Sometimes you and the page just need time apart. Tonight, I’m taking you out for dinner.”
  • Press 7 for “Don’t feel guilty, sweetheart. Everyone understands writing is a priority in your life and know that’s why you missed . And if they don’t, then they don’t get you like I do.”
  • Press 8 for “I don’t care if the house is a mess/we’re having microwave pizza again/you’re not sure where the kids are. You were writing and couldn’t be interrupted.”
  • Press 9 for “Publishing has so much waiting involved, I totally understand why to check your email 7,896 times per hour. I’ll do the laundry why you hit refresh.”
  • Press 10 for “Remember, you love to write. No one can take that away from you. Ever.”
Okay, that’s all I feel comfortable sharing right now. But you get the picture. Again, please keep this quiet…of course, feel free to share the 900 number with someone that has a writer in their life. If you do, I’ll promise to have you over for some caviar on The Muses’ yacht once we strike it big-big.

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